Okay... so I know how this is supposed to go.

I- the hesitant hero- am called on a grand quest,
wherein the fate of the world is at stake.
But I am reluctant to give up my perfectly content life,
so my home is destroyed
or an army approaches,
or something like that.

Blah blah, blahbitty blah!
Can we just skip all this intro stuff?

I'm ready to fight now.
Yeah, where's this great evil?

What- what do you mean I'm not ready yet?
I'm the hero!
That's how this works!

No- don't- all this "training" is pointless-
oh come on!
You're really going to ditch the only hope you have
in the middle of a dark forest,
just so I can prove myself?!
Asshole.

If I do this right, it'll fix everything.
If I mess it up...

I mean, it's just a mass of tangled up wires
how hard can fixing it be?
I've even got the manual right-
dammit!

Okay- okay-
it's fine.
I read that thing from cover to cover at least twice.
I took the training course.
I can totally do this.

Just find the double wide red wire...
and the crazy-thin orange wire...
and then within two seconds unplug them both,
replace them with new ones,
but don't let either of them ever touch any of the other wires
until they're both fully secured.

Yeah- I- I've got this...
Absolutely...
There- and there- and-
shit, were those sparks?
Did I-?

Aaaand now the sirens are going off.
​That can't be good...

Just look behind you.
For just a second. There might
be a cat waiting.

Hmm... don't tell me...
it's a vampire.
No? Fair, we haven't had one of those in years.
If not that... a ghoul?
A banshee?

Oh come on!
What is it then?
Goblins? Ogres?
Giant mutant hedgehogs with a taste for human flesh?
You've gotta give me something here!

...you're kidding.
Sasquatch. In town?
Today?!

Why didn't you say that earlier?
I've gotta get ready!
He's the only major cryptid I haven't met yet and I-
I'll see you later-
I've gotta get all of my collectibles for him to sign!

If I stare at the words too long
polish and preen them until my eyes blur
I begin to see through them
into the roaring miasma of undefined meaning below.

When I dip my hands inside
it slides between my fingers without physical sensation
but leaves the lingering thought of confusion behind.

I've spent days lost within it
trying to grasp some understanding.

But the only thing I've learned from all of my searching
is that when I get to this point
it means I really need to sleep.

Okay, I don't usually do this, but...
I knew that teddy bear was haunted from the moment you picked it up!
I tried to warn you-
but no, you thought it was just the cutest
and the cuddliest
and could never do anything to hurt anybody.

Now the cops are banging on the door,
because that thing killed the neighbor's hamster
and used its blood to paint a giant smiley face on our windows!

I know you still think it's cute-
but seriously!
It's possessed or something,
so if we give it to the police and explain everything
maybe they'll find someone to exorcise it.
Or burn it.
Fuck- whatever we do
it needs to go!

Wait, why are you looking at me like that?
Honey...?
No- please, I'm just trying to save us-
Don't let that thing back in here!

This is that time during the movie
where the hero is called to leave.
To go on an epic quest
and save the world from doom.
Well, I'm ready now.
Great universe.
Anytime
would be
great.

You really thought this was your best option?
When the screaming starts,
run to the library?
I mean, I know you're a bookworm...
but this seems excessive.
Even for you.

It doesn't really matter though.
Your flesh will sustain me for weeks.
And you'll be delicious.
So don't delay the inevitable.

I can smell your sweat through the bookcases,
hear as you try to slow your breathing
your heartbeat...
Thump-thump, thump-thump-, thump-thump and-
Damnit.
I could've sworn you'd be hiding there.
How about-
Nope.

Oh, you are a clever one, aren't you?
You probably think all the stories you've read
will help you survive.
Fun thought, but I doubt it.

If you try to leave
the others will catch you.
And they like to play with their food.
So why don't you just give up now
and save yourself the terror?

I'm sure you'll-
fuck- a bookcase?
How'd you even tip this-
you bitch, get back here!
You just wait until I get out of this!
​You're dead!

We're almost finished here.
Just a dash of petrichor...
a raven's first feather...
the last note of a time-worn tune and-
there! The potion's ready.

Now- hey no, not so fast!
I'll give you the spiel that I give all my customers,
then you'll have the vial to do with what you will.

First, the contract you signed is binding.
No matter what happens,
I am neither responsible nor culpable for any harm or injury
abduction, abandonment, transmutation,
or cursing that occurs in response to the use of my product.

Second, if anyone asks you for a review of my services
don't be alarmed when you can't remember them.
That's just industry standard procedure.

And finally, I recommend drinking it all at once
and following it with a strong liquor.
It doesn't make it taste any better
but it'll make the transition easier to deal with when it begins.

Good luck,
and thank you for your patronage!

If I have to deal with one more gods-damned adventuring party today
I am going to lose my mind!

Already just this week
I've had a necromancer leave their zombie in the bathroom
which then proceeded to eat another patron,
a fledgling warlock set my bar ablaze when I cut him off,
an orc threw a pair of gnomes through a wall,
and someone poly-morphed me into a jellyfish
then stole my best bottle of dwarven whisky.

I swear,
what ever prompts these people to go out and adventure
must also be driving them insane.
Because normal people don't do this.
No blacksmith or farmer, or even archivist would do any of this shit.

This is what I get for opening up a tavern
along the bloody main road of this stupid city.

Excuse me, I need a drink.