How to describe how I feel...

I feel like clicking those buttons was like cutting a tether.
One that had been fraying for some time now.
Growing nearly translucent,
but still gripping me tightly.
Holding me in an orbit that I'd been fighting for years.

Now that the tether is gone
I'm doing more than just turning away from the sickening light of his star.
Now I'm free to fully leave his presence.
To guide myself in whatever way I choose.
To float leagues and galaxies away if I wish,
and no longer feel the radiation he gives off eating away at me.

​I feel like I'm finally doing something that is wholly for me.
Cutting off something that was only rot and decay and pain.
Allowing myself fresh air,
and banishing the hovering sensation that he was always on the outskirts of my mind,
waiting for his next excuse to stride right in and make me question myself.

How about we skip it tonight?

There's no need for the sounds of fists banging
on locked metal doors outside
or fists on cracked drywall.

How about we let the night decide the sounds?
Let whatever wind may blow guide our course
amidst the soothing chorus of crickets.
​
Let fears and memories of yesterday
fade into the background
while the marvels of our minds take the lead.

Try to be aware
of the days as they pass you.
​It keeps you grounded.

It's okay to get lost sometimes
in a swirling pit of emotions and thoughts
where up is down
and right now is yesterday

but when you find yourself there
just take a moment to breathe

feel the air flow in and out of you
and you may find
that those unreadable thoughts and feelings
begin to take form

and follow familiar lines and patterns
that will lead you to clear skies again.

Sometimes I look at the world
like I'm a kid again.
And sometimes, that's good.

Like there's unending wonder in the tiniest things
and flower petals sit softly in my hands.

But there's other times
that aren't as bright and happy.

I feel like a child again
confused and confounded by a world that's way too complicated.
Where I want to ask for an explanation for everything
but I'm also lock-jawed and tongue-tied
worried that I'll say the wrong thing
and be laughed at
or shoved to the ground by the big kids on the playground.
Or worse.

It's hard when your present reflects your past
but the mirror's broken
and the glass shows two halves that never should've fit together.

So you have your two selves and their two different voices
telling you to trust and ask
and run and hide.

I guess I'll have to decide which voice I'll listen to today.

The more ink that I pour from my hands
the thicker they feel, heavy with
a lack of motion, aching
with tendons all stretched taut,
drained of energy.
My stories take
What's freely
given
​them.

Okay... so I know how this is supposed to go.

I- the hesitant hero- am called on a grand quest,
wherein the fate of the world is at stake.
But I am reluctant to give up my perfectly content life,
so my home is destroyed
or an army approaches,
or something like that.

Blah blah, blahbitty blah!
Can we just skip all this intro stuff?

I'm ready to fight now.
Yeah, where's this great evil?

What- what do you mean I'm not ready yet?
I'm the hero!
That's how this works!

No- don't- all this "training" is pointless-
oh come on!
You're really going to ditch the only hope you have
in the middle of a dark forest,
just so I can prove myself?!
Asshole.

I don't really know what day it is
the month or season
or phase of the moon

But I do know that my life is filled with wonderful people
kind smiles, loving words, and warm hugs
funny gifts, adorable animals, and stories

Really, what else could I ever ask for?

Another day gone
each second lasting hours-
huh? Where'd the week go?

Is it so much to ask
for just a tiny bit of change?
One little shift
to come from weeks of struggle
throwing myself up against a wall again and again?

It feels like I'm incorporeal.
Stuck in a state of stasis
where nothing I try makes any difference.

No matter how much I push
not a single pebble shifts.
Not one tiny stone
that might skitter down the hill
and start the avalanche I need.

I don't even have the benefits of being a ghost
whisked off this world to whatever comes next
or at least left without the physical parts of living.
I still have to go through the motions
​but never get anywhere.