How to describe how I feel...

I feel like clicking those buttons was like cutting a tether.
One that had been fraying for some time now.
Growing nearly translucent,
but still gripping me tightly.
Holding me in an orbit that I'd been fighting for years.

Now that the tether is gone
I'm doing more than just turning away from the sickening light of his star.
Now I'm free to fully leave his presence.
To guide myself in whatever way I choose.
To float leagues and galaxies away if I wish,
and no longer feel the radiation he gives off eating away at me.

​I feel like I'm finally doing something that is wholly for me.
Cutting off something that was only rot and decay and pain.
Allowing myself fresh air,
and banishing the hovering sensation that he was always on the outskirts of my mind,
waiting for his next excuse to stride right in and make me question myself.

Sometimes I look at the world
like I'm a kid again.
And sometimes, that's good.

Like there's unending wonder in the tiniest things
and flower petals sit softly in my hands.

But there's other times
that aren't as bright and happy.

I feel like a child again
confused and confounded by a world that's way too complicated.
Where I want to ask for an explanation for everything
but I'm also lock-jawed and tongue-tied
worried that I'll say the wrong thing
and be laughed at
or shoved to the ground by the big kids on the playground.
Or worse.

It's hard when your present reflects your past
but the mirror's broken
and the glass shows two halves that never should've fit together.

So you have your two selves and their two different voices
telling you to trust and ask
and run and hide.

I guess I'll have to decide which voice I'll listen to today.

 When do you decide to open a door?

After a single small voice from the other side
asks you nicely?

Or perhaps when a mob of fists and bricks
slam again and again,
measuring their determination against yours
and the strength of your barriers?

I urge you to consider another option.
That maybe...
just maybe...
your door is closed and erected for a reason.

That the locks and bars are actually there for your protection
and not just for others to demand entry through.
That choosing to remain safe and separate is just as valid
as throwing that same door wide
and allowing anyone you want to enter.

If you need that door to stay closed,
then embrace your instincts.
Don't let others tear down the structural integrity that keeps you safe.

I will only dive into your mind if you ask me to.
If what lies inside is absolutely necessary
and you yourself cannot retrieve it.
Because I know what it's like to be violated,
to have another's voice sound within me
leaving traces of themselves that taint and aim to claim me as theirs.
So please,
think deeply about what you ask
and ensure that no other option is available.
Then ask me again.
And I will do it.

I don't think you understand what you've done here.

That tiny little seed of self doubt
what you might think is insignificant
might very well dig its roots deep into their mind.

Whether or not it comes to fruition tomorrow
or twenty years from now,
congrats.
You've made quite a contribution.

Instead of choosing to be constructive
or even supportive
you've made a crack in that mirror behind their eyes.
The one they'll see every single day
and measure themselves against,
no matter how much they try not to.

I hope you're happy now.
Because you can't let anyone else be confident in this world,
you've decided to know someone down a peg
or ten.
Are you stronger now?
Happier?
Are you satisfied?

You weave your words tightly
place each with care and purpose
to form a snare you knew I'd stumble into.

Once I'm trapped
there's no way out
except the one you've prepared.

No matter how much I struggle
focus my mind
or lash out,
the words only cling tighter
constricting like serpents
crushing in my lungs with every resistant breath.

In the end
you succeed.

And that leering grin you turn on me
as I play into your hands
only ignites my veins
and I despise you more.

Throw whatever you want at me.

Fireballs
spears
mountains,
whatever.

No matter how many times you hit me
and knocked me down again,
I'll stick my broken bones together
sew the smile back onto my split lips
and stand back up to face you.

Because yeah,
you've got the world on your side.
A million apocalyptic possibilities
hovering on the horizon
making plans to come crashing down at any moment.

But I have little victories
that get me through my day.
The warmth of a hot chocolate mug in my hand
adorable animals
the kindness of a stranger
and hugs from a friend.

A handful of these
will always trump your possibilities.

Good attempt.
But not today.

Screams and pleading
from just outside the glass.
Heartbeats so strong
they break a rib.
But I'm still frozen here.
Listening.

You're a broiling sun
burnt and black against the sky.

A sight once revered and life-bringing,
now a terrible dark radiance
towering over the earth.

Your beams rip and tear and fragile flesh
where once they were a warm comfort.

How could something once so benevolent
morph into a monstrosity
​in mere moments?

The demons' tongues flicked as they all hissed
gibes and insults, doubts dripping spit,
all hurled her way without pause.
But her stride remained firm.
No one would stop her
from getting through
another
gorgeous
day.