How to describe how I feel...

I feel like clicking those buttons was like cutting a tether.
One that had been fraying for some time now.
Growing nearly translucent,
but still gripping me tightly.
Holding me in an orbit that I'd been fighting for years.

Now that the tether is gone
I'm doing more than just turning away from the sickening light of his star.
Now I'm free to fully leave his presence.
To guide myself in whatever way I choose.
To float leagues and galaxies away if I wish,
and no longer feel the radiation he gives off eating away at me.

​I feel like I'm finally doing something that is wholly for me.
Cutting off something that was only rot and decay and pain.
Allowing myself fresh air,
and banishing the hovering sensation that he was always on the outskirts of my mind,
waiting for his next excuse to stride right in and make me question myself.

How about we skip it tonight?

There's no need for the sounds of fists banging
on locked metal doors outside
or fists on cracked drywall.

How about we let the night decide the sounds?
Let whatever wind may blow guide our course
amidst the soothing chorus of crickets.
​
Let fears and memories of yesterday
fade into the background
while the marvels of our minds take the lead.

Try to be aware
of the days as they pass you.
​It keeps you grounded.

It's okay to get lost sometimes
in a swirling pit of emotions and thoughts
where up is down
and right now is yesterday

but when you find yourself there
just take a moment to breathe

feel the air flow in and out of you
and you may find
that those unreadable thoughts and feelings
begin to take form

and follow familiar lines and patterns
that will lead you to clear skies again.

Sometimes I look at the world
like I'm a kid again.
And sometimes, that's good.

Like there's unending wonder in the tiniest things
and flower petals sit softly in my hands.

But there's other times
that aren't as bright and happy.

I feel like a child again
confused and confounded by a world that's way too complicated.
Where I want to ask for an explanation for everything
but I'm also lock-jawed and tongue-tied
worried that I'll say the wrong thing
and be laughed at
or shoved to the ground by the big kids on the playground.
Or worse.

It's hard when your present reflects your past
but the mirror's broken
and the glass shows two halves that never should've fit together.

So you have your two selves and their two different voices
telling you to trust and ask
and run and hide.

I guess I'll have to decide which voice I'll listen to today.

Is it so much to ask
for just a tiny bit of change?
One little shift
to come from weeks of struggle
throwing myself up against a wall again and again?

It feels like I'm incorporeal.
Stuck in a state of stasis
where nothing I try makes any difference.

No matter how much I push
not a single pebble shifts.
Not one tiny stone
that might skitter down the hill
and start the avalanche I need.

I don't even have the benefits of being a ghost
whisked off this world to whatever comes next
or at least left without the physical parts of living.
I still have to go through the motions
​but never get anywhere.

Right now, my mind is silent.

Empty on the outside
but secretly bogged down by too many thoughts to process.

I've got a million things I should be doing.
Dishes piling up
projects half-finished
job applications to punch in and send off
friends and family to call.

But instead
I sit in the silence of my mind.
Because every one of those things has a weight
crushing and poignant
making my heart beat too fast
and my hands shake.

I can't tell if the silence is better
than the flood of thoughts.
If floating along on the very top of them is any better
than tumbling through their midst
head over heels with water in my lungs.
If distancing myself from panic is any better
than getting lost in the growing list of things I should be doing.

Silence is deafening.

It starts as a sinking feeling.

You can't really tell if it's in your throat
or your chest
or the very pit of your stomach.

All you know is
something's coming
rushing at you
and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

You turn to look
and still
you can't see anything...
it's just a normal day.

But trust me.
Trust that feeling in your gut.

It'll come when you least expect it.
After you've forgotten this warning
and gone back to blissful ignorance.
It always does...

I'm having that nightmare again.

The one that always starts
with me standing outside an old, decaying mansion
my hand hovering over the doorbell.

There's nothing wrong, really.
Nothing to tell me it's a nightmare.
It's not a dark and stormy night with thunder crashing
there are no graves bursting with the living dead
and I'm standing their fully clothed and uninjured
like a normal day.

But for a reason I'm unable to determine,
my palms are sweaty
and dread's wrapped tightly around my lungs.

With the way I'm feeling,
you'd think the doorbell would ring with shrieks.
But when I press it
those all-too normal chimes ring out.

And when the ringing ends
the whole world goes silent.

I can't even hear air enter or leave my lungs.
Can't even tell if I'm breathing.
Not even my fingers will twitch.

And I watch frozen
as the door inches open
taking what could be days to reveal the shadows inside
inch by inch.

I don't even see your face.
Just the skin of your fingers as they wrap around the wood
stained and rough.

Then I wake up
and I still can't breathe.

 When do you decide to open a door?

After a single small voice from the other side
asks you nicely?

Or perhaps when a mob of fists and bricks
slam again and again,
measuring their determination against yours
and the strength of your barriers?

I urge you to consider another option.
That maybe...
just maybe...
your door is closed and erected for a reason.

That the locks and bars are actually there for your protection
and not just for others to demand entry through.
That choosing to remain safe and separate is just as valid
as throwing that same door wide
and allowing anyone you want to enter.

If you need that door to stay closed,
then embrace your instincts.
Don't let others tear down the structural integrity that keeps you safe.